Some days I do myself a huge disservice and allow one negative thought to seep in. That tiny little varmint slowly multiplies into dozens of invasive thoughts. Next thing you know, my mind is blanketed in a heavy, depressive state. I know better than to open the door to negative thoughts yet I do it over and over again. I let my fear seep in and control my mind. “You have to stop that bad thing you think is going to happen from happening.” A form of hubris I haven’t learned quite how to handle.
For the longest, I have preached and preached about the importance of therapy yet never sought it out for myself. I get into nature. I meditate. I journal. I train strength. I do “cardio”. I strive to incorporate my passions into my life. I read. I do all of the things that are supposed to improve mental health besides therapy yet I still find myself struggling often to not focus on the small when the small is so close to my fears. I have realized I am a “control freak” and due to the pandemic, and a feeling of a loss of control, it has blossomed in a way that feels new to my awareness. You cannot be afraid to ask for help. You have to be honest with yourself, swallow your pride, and know it’s alright to want help. Doesn’t mean anything is wrong, doesn’t mean you are broken. This means you are open to learning and growing. Learning to be comfortable while feeling vulnerable.
I will be starting therapy to help uncover any trauma that is there. To help me identify behavioral patterns that I may want to keep or break. To help me understand how to better communicate feelings and moods. To help me be a better version of myself. The better I understand myself, the better I can help those around me. I want to be part of breaking the taboo behind Therapy, especially in the Black community. I have wanted this for years and I will soon be taking that first step.
I originally wrote this before I started therapy: I have since started therapy and it has been everything I could have asked for plus more. The sage advice by the comedic genius Chris Rock to present the worst version of yourself to your therapist has led to exponential growth in a short amount of time. An interesting discovery was finding out that I am sensitive. My denial of being sensitive is what would lead to my feeling of being withdrawn or indignant. I have since been given tools to help better express my feelings. It has already helped in many situations to take the edge off where the edge prior would have been sharp. I am looking forward to continuing to find out more about myself and work on developing better tools to deal with all that is going on inside my head. If you haven’t had therapy, think about exploring that option as a way of optimizing who you are.